guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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