You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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