Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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