He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
