Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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