Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I deserve this hangover.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
