I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
