There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I supernannyed him into submission
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
