When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Randomize
