You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
