Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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