I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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