There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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