I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
