Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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