I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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