I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
