I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
