I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
