Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
They should really pass out barf bags in church
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
