All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
