I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
it's like heaven, but drunker
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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