Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
