she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
