At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
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