Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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