Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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