shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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