my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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