we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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