that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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