i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
