Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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