9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
