sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
