I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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