I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
