Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Damn victory sex feels great
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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