I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
