whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
