Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
