I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
