Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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