I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
