Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
