i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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