and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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