sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
