Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
