can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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