So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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