I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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