I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
