just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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