Can i not drive my cunt home
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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