did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
